Jay's Favorite Quotes and Sayings

These are just a few of the many wonderful, funny, or borderline obscene things people say.

"Screw consensual reality!"
--Jay Maddin

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much."
--Mother Teresa

"We've got a date with Destiny...and it looks like she ordered the lobster..."
--The Shoveler

"Mmmph mph mmmph mmmmnmph."
--Kenny McCormick

"...and the shoes are laced with irony."
--They Might Be Giants

"Nazis. I hate these guys!"
--Dr. "Indiana" Jones

"Plan as though you are a pessimist, live as though you are an optometrist."
--Me

"I run like a pregnant yak."
--Mark Hege

"L as in love, P as in puppet."
--Amy Maddin

"You want a piece of the mother?"
--Coree Schutter

"You think its hot HERE."
--God

"Good Food. WE BARE ALL. Couples Welcome."
--Billboard in Florida

"He will bear all: Jesus Christ--the way, the truth and the life."
--Another Billboard in Florida

"There's no commandment that says, "Thou shalt not surf on thy cross."
--Brian York

"How did Canada get it's name? They drew letters: C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?"
--Unknown

"Buckle your seat-belt Dorothy, cause Kansas is about to go bye-bye."
--Unknown

"There are few problems in life that could not be eased with the proper application of high explosives."
--Unknown, although John Bambenek has probably said this before...

"May God stand between you and harm in all the dark and empty places where you must walk."
--Unknown

"God help you if you are a phoenix,
And you dare to rise up from the ash.
A thousand eyes will smoulder in jealousy,
And say you were just playing dead."
--Ani DiFranco

Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
-- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail

Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
-- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man

Sam: What will you have, Norm?
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
-- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner

Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
--Unknown, probably someone named Griffin

"This above all--to thine own self be true;
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
--W. Shakespeare

I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember, when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
--Unknown

love, n.: When you don't want someone too close--because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
--Unknown

People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
--Ken Kesey

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."
--Matt Groening

Madness takes its toll--please have exact change.
--Unknown

"The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
--Unknown

The History of 'Giving the Finger'

Giving the Finger - Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French,
anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle
finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it
would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be
incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the
native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as
"plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!
PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic
gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant
mother pheasant plucker," which is who you had to go to for the feathers
used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at
the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and
thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are
mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It
is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic
gesture is known as "giving the bird."

And yew all thought yew knew everything!

Know of anything really funny I should have up here? Well, tell me about it!